In a previous post, I posted my list of 25 of my favorite films. Well, it wouldn’t EVEN be responsible of me to only inundate you with merely one half of my opinionated snobbishness! So here, lovely readers is a list of 25 of my LEAST favorite films!
Again, it’s not a definitive 25 and there’s no rhyme or reason to the list. They’re in the order I thought of them. ENJOY!
1) Monster’s Ball (2001) *sigh* Okay, here we go…FUCK this movie!!! Fuck Halle Berry and her ill-gotten ®Oscar! This piece of utter shit should have been called “Plot Convenience Cavalcade!” Just–just—FUCK!!!
2) American Psycho (2000) This film was doomed from the start! If you’ve ever read the highly controversial novel written by Brett Easton Ellis (Less Than Zero, Rules of Attraction,) then you know how insanely difficult it must have been just for this film to have gotten made. And because of that, they just didn’t get it right.
Don’t get me wrong–Christian Bale put in mad WORK (as he always does!) But, in order to appeal to a mainstream American audience (always a bad choice,) director Mary Harron decided to give a cause-and-effect through line to Patrick Bateman’s senseless murder and carnage…I can sum that up in one note…
3) Belly (1998) So, you’re selling this to me as a gangsta hip hop love story directed by Hype Williams, whose visionary visual style was responsible for a large chunk of the most successful hip hop videos of the 90’s. At the very least, I expected this film to LOOK good. And there were some nice visual moments…but they were tragically overshadowed by the ATROCIOUS acting, writing and…ugh! Thank GOD Nas redeems himself with his music!
Three words: Zombie Fly Girls. I’m Through!
5) Splice (2009) Genetic engineers, one man and one woman (who are currently fucking, btw) decide that it would be a good idea to mix the DNA of a human (his own,) various animals along with a dash of an alien…THEN decide to raise it (him?) to maturity…THEN decide to raise it (him?) as if it were their own…THEN when it (she?) starts to grow up and–er–um–fill out (?!) the male genetic engineer decides to…um…fuck it–him–her–AAAGGGHHHH!!!!
Is it bestiality? Is it incest? I dunno…but I DO know that’s it’s some bullshit!!!
6) Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) *sigh* I can’t even– This movie was boring, racist and dumb! Jar Jar Binks should be forced to ride cross-country with Al Sharpton in a Fiat. And George Lucas should be sodomized with a cheap, toy lightsaber to the tune of The Imperial March!
7) Ponyo (2008) Normally, Japanese auteur Hayao Miyazaki (Princess Mononoke, Howl’s Moving Castle) can do NO wrong in my eyes. But I just couldn’t get into the overwhelming cuteness of this tale of the little magical fish-girl. Of course the visual style of the movie is fantastical and grandiose but…ugh!
*NOTE* To be fair, I watched the English-dubbed version instead of in Japanese…which did NOT help.
8) Pocahontas (1995) Aah! You gotta love Disney’s love of revisionist history. Ahem, Pocahontas was actually 12 years old, unattractive and not that bright. Captain John Smith was in his fifties, fat and had syphilis…just saying.
9) Izo (2004) Director Takashi Miike (Ichi the Killer) is a badass filmmaker. Take that knowledge and put it into the story of Izo, a warrior who killed so many people that, when he died, was forced to become a demon of destruction…you’d expect nothing but awesomeness! My problem with this movie is simple: There was TOO much killing!!! Now, when you remember that this statement is coming from me…ME…that’s definitely saying something!!!
10) Psycho (1998) Ummm…this movie need not have happened. Period. Alfred Hitchock made “Psycho” in 1960, if nothing else, so that people like Gus Van Sant wouldn’t have to!!! The only good thing about this movie was that it exposed me to what a fierce actor Vince Vaughn can be…when he isn’t whoring himself out in utter BULLSHIT, that is!
11) Pay It Forward (2000) This movie is based on a cool and interesting concept: When someone does something nice for you, instead of returning the favor to that person, do something nice for someone else. The only problem is the concept takes 10 minutes to make its point. That leaves 80 more minutes to bore the shit out of us.
12) The Ninth Gate (1999) Johnny Depp…looking for a book written by Satan…and there’s a hot chick that flies. FLIES!!! Why is this movie so goddam boring?!?!? Director Roman Polanksi (Rosemary’s Baby, Repulsion, raping a young girl) better be glad that even his bullshit is still better than most people’s A-Game!
14) A Nightmare on Elm Street V: The Dream Child (1989) This movie suffered from the same ailment many long-running and popular franchises do. The previous installment set the bar a little too high stylistically and the “final” death of Freddy Krueger was quite plausible…and the pressure to keep this cash cow mooing and giving milk NOW left us with a rather threadbare and forgettable Nightmare flick.
15) Transformers (2007) I grew up with the Transformers cartoons and toys. I heard director Michael Bay’s name (Bad Boys, Bad Boys II, Armageddon) and immediately got nervous. Why? Because he makes shit movies! and before you say it, The Bad Boys films were enjoyable as hell, yes! But don’t EVEN front like that enjoyability didn’t have EVERYTHING to do with its stars!
WHY was Jazz (who was always the only “black” robot) always fucking dancing?! AND WHY was he the first to die?! This ain’t 1972, motherfucker!!!
16) The Matrix Revolutions (2003) The first two Matrix films both hold a spot on my 25 Fave List. This third installment was so disappointing. all the things that made the other films so amazing (stunning fight choreography, game-changing special effects, postmodern philosophy and theory) were left by the wayside here in order to bring the story to an ultimate close…oh yeah and Neo is Jesus. Meh.
17) The Fountain (2006) I love director Darren Aronofsky’s films (Pi, Requiem for A Dream, Inception.) But this one just bored me to tears. Even the score was a droning snoozefest. Oh well…everything can’t be a highlight, right?
18) Daredevil (2003) I’m a Marvel comics fan, so I was already mad even before I got to the theater! Daredevil is known as The Man Without Fear. Ben Affleck should be known as The Man Without Shame. And FUCK Matt Damon for giving him credilibility! And why did they make the Kingpin black? I understand and applaud Marvel Studios’ desire for colorblind casting. But a huge, daunting black man as the Kingpin of Crime?! Not yet, y’all. Not yet.
20) Crash (1996) AND (2004) The first is based on a novel by J.G. Ballard and is about people who get off on car crashes. They get fucked up in accidents then have lots and lots of gratuitous sex…yawn. The second is supposed to be an eye-opening chronicle of how racist people actually are in everyday life…ummm…I’m a black man in America. This ain’t news. Double yawn!
21) War of the Worlds (2005) My dislike of this film had nothing to do with the skill and execution of director Steven Spielberg (The Color Purple, Minority Report, Catch Me If You Can.) I just hated all the main characters so much that the fact that the aliens didn’t kill them was just a HUGE letdown!