Straight women, you need to get your shit together when it comes to bisexual males.
I am a bi-male. This means I am physically attracted to both men AND women. Yes…no, really….YES….shut up! YES, really! No, I don’t care what you’ve read. I don’t care what your ex-boyfriend did to you. I don’t care what you saw on Jerry Springer…actual, legitimate bisexual males are real. We exist. We are thriving quite well, thank you…and we’re looking at your tits.
Your prejudices have started to become intergenerational and I, for one, can’t stand this bullshit anymore! So before I snap and smack a bitch, let me compile a checklist of appropriate behaviors, rules and such. If you have any further questions afterward, then check the list again. If you STILL have questions after that…you’re too stupid to leave the house and shouldn’t be dating or even talking to people!
- I AM attracted to both men AND women. I am not gay waiting for the right time to “transition.” I am not “confused.” If you doubt me, drop trou and say that shit to my face!
- I am NOT a eunuch. Do not think that just because I am not straight that you can treat me like one of the girls. MY dick WORKS!
- Don’t ask me to “explain this ‘bi thing’ to you.” I. Like. Women. And. Men. What else is there to understand? REALLY!!!
- Being bisexual is not synonymous with being a cheating, lying whore. If you’re going to continue to let what happens on Jerry Springer affect your real-life decision making, I’m going to start talking about your mother!
- Just because I’m bi does not mean that my sexual or romantic tastes are indiscriminate. I still have standards. Just having genitalia is not the only pre-requisite. Which brings me to…
- Bisexuals are QUITE capable of having healthy, monogamous relationships…calm the fuck down!
- I get so sick of hearing “I can’t compete with a man.” Well, then stop trying! I’m with YOU, aren’t I? Calm the fuck down!!
- I am always going to be attracted to the same sex. Yes, even while I am with you. If you can honestly say you’ve never looked at/thought about anyone else while you were in a committed relationship, then you can cast the first stone. Until then…CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!!
- Do not flatter yourself by thinking you can “turn me straight.” Trust me, darling. I could throw you down right now, fuck you cross-eyed, have you screaming out my name and the names of all my friends in the chronological order in which I met them,, say my name, spell it THEN translate it into the 5th century Arabic…I’ll STILL be queer after. CaLm ThE fUcK dOwN!!!!
- Yes, I am a queer man. This means that I have non-heterosexual male qualities and tendencies. If I were you, I would shut up and enjoy them instead of worrying about what they could possibly mean. Don’t forget: I can dress you up, pick the fierce restaurant we go to, give you scintillating conversation while we’re out, dance the night away, THEN take you home and fuck you senseless….WHY are you complaining again?!
- Don’t get caught up and let your mind travel in the complete opposite direction. I’m not your gay-best-friend-that-fucks-you. I am still a man. I can and WILL do man shit. A lot. So don’t be looking at me as if I’m broken when I do.
- Oh yeah…Bi-boys are better at everything.
Whew! I think that’s all. At least that’s all I can think about at the moment.
Did I miss anything?